My Compulsion

My tired mind collapses, on an otherwise regular day. I was longing for you.

I just need a few seconds, more. I just need a few hours. I might need a week. Or a year.

(Give me everything, please.)

You ask me what I want. I want to be everything. For you.

My restless body shivers from withdrawal and is not stopping. My heart beats and then, skips a beat. This could be dying, but it’s not.

(Give me everything, please.)

I need to walk away. I need to take a break. I need to stop.

But I am pacing. And waiting for you. Because I am not sure I can let go just yet.

(Give me everything.)

I am alone. And the occasional thought crosses my mind. About us.

I lost everything because I am not okay. I lost everything because I wanted everything.

(Give me…)

I wish I could scream and release all these emotions to the world. But I am losing my voice and my ability to speak.

I have nothing anymore. My anxiety makes me fear nothing. My depressive thoughts make me fear everything.

(Give)

When did wanting to give love become complete insanity?

When did wishing to be given love become a weakness?

You are able to set me on fire but you are also able to cool down my brain and aching body.

You are completely wrong, and yet, you are so right.

You gave me everything. But you took it all back. Including a piece of me.

I am numb. But when I am not, I feel like I am one step away from total madness. And you are not here, to soothe my soul.

You are my upper and also, my downer. But I can’t be taking you in as I can’t stand having you wear off.

I am stuck. I will have to look for something else. I will have to look for… I don’t even know what.

I wanted to throw it all away for you but I realize I can’t. And you can’t either. And that pulls me down even more.

I will be here. I will get better. Or I might go away. And I will get better.

But I have to let go.

(Give me nothing.)

I will learn not to give you a thing.

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