Saudades

When your mind tends to drift over your heart, to miss something or someone is but a painful reminder of the reality you must face.

Missing is an intrinsic part of being human. But for a nostalgic soul like mine is like breathing. Absolutely necessary.

A permanent melancholic state with dashes of happiness is my ideal however life does love to play pranks on your mind. Mine has lead me to an inconsistent switch between overwhelming joy and unbearable sadness.

The worst part is not the interchangeable nature of these emotional moments but rather the extreme. These intense feelings always brand you. And letting go of them seems preposterous. It makes you question the simplest things in your life. It makes you a paranoid being.

I like missing when I know there’s something to be missed. Or something worth missing. But it doesn’t happen that often.

Most times, I end up missing what I shouldn’t and it hurts like a million knives cutting slowly through my flesh.

Sometimes, I miss what’s worth missing. But the feeling is not less excruciating. Something is missing and your heart aches.

I have been missing my family and old friends so bad and unfortunately, it only hits me when I hear their voices or read their words. The thing is… I always miss them.

The emotions originated from missing aren’t terrible but the long periods of feeling are.

(I am rambling at this point, I realize it.)

I think the idea I am trying to grasp is that missing and feeling is tricky. And when your own mind is to play games, you feel like there’s nothing you can hold on to. Nothing but the pain. Nothing but missing. Nothing but those fleeting moments of true happiness.

I wish life was beautifully melancholic but it’s not. It’s a mixture of massive feelings, negative or positive. And somehow you have to have the judgement to filter them.

Missing someone is complicated. Missing a group of people is even more. But at the end of the day, it also depends on the intensity they left in your existence.

Allow yourself to miss. As long as you do, you are there. And God, you have something to miss. And that’s kind of wonderful.

Miss. Miss painfully. Miss desperately. Miss wholeheartedly.

And one day… You will feel something different. And that will numb the pain. And maybe, will turn into something worth missing.

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