Again, I haven’t written in a long while… But here I am.
I missed this feeling. I always do. When I come back to pouring everything into writing, I remember how it feels so damn good.
Sometimes it’s hard to come back here because that also means going back and reliving moments that most of the time, I am looking to let go. But memory haunts me. And that one bastard I cannot escape.
I have been going back to several instants of the past year and fuck, I have lived some intense shit.
My brain is just not able to gather that under certain conditions. Mostly, I just tend to think I haven’t done enough or got far enough. And I stand there, feeling like I have failed others and myself. It’s fucked-up, for sure.
I don’t miss those days. The days where I feel like I am nothing. Even though they are great to put up against the wonderful days I have gone through.
But the great days never seem sufficient. I always get the sense I could have had it better, sometimes. And then I realize I am young. And fuck knows how many more days I have got ahead. And that’s when I get optimistic and think I have time to live this shit out.
My main problem is I live in a world that grew so much in so little time. And somehow we get the pressure to accomplish everything in a speed that matches it. The advances in society, technology, everything. And this, weirdly enough, makes us devolve.
I feel this huge fucking pressure to succeed and I forget that, realistically, it’s not going to happen. Not this soon. Not like this. Not out of fucking thin air.
All of this comes from a lot of critical points in my life. Family, friends, love, work, society. Everything, whether I want it or not, causes a tremendous amount of stress on my mind. Thinking about everything and how to work out life with all these variables is overwhelming beyond compare.
I don’t want to feel like I have failed. Because I have barely lived.
I want to live. And overthrow these ridiculous expectations.
I want to be able to get to next year and have the same feeling. Like I have lived some intense shit.
And although I am focusing on some heavy subjects now, I am not scared I will mention them again next year. As long as I will be there to say I made it through.
I am positive I am going to get through my life and figure everything out. As dark as things may get these days.
I also have felt some pretty satisfying things. Emotions and feelings I had no idea I could experience.
I met the most brilliant human beings I have ever met and about it, I have no regrets. Regardless of those people are still in my life or not.
I can look back and smile when I remember.
I don’t want to miss out on that.
I have no fear of the future anymore. And I am working on letting the past go for good. All but the things that I know are staying.
I am stronger now. Even in the moments I feel like giving in might be the best option since everyhing else seems so out of reach and terrifying.
I am gonna keep moving. Because I want to feel more. And I want to have more to remember and tell about…