Tonight I Have to Leave It

The other day I saw a random post on Facebook that stuck with me. Its truth scared me but it also made me realize a reality I had been aware of and had never actually admitted.

The post spoke about toxicity. People toxicity, that is. And it said something like people are so fast to point out someone else has acted in a toxic manner and they tend to forget how their own behaviours are polluting their existence.

I have let a lot of toxic people in my life. More than I should be able to admit. But I have been toxic myself. I have manipulated people, I have gaslit people, I have turned tables on people. And some of these people were (and still are) friends.

I could start naming the people I called or thought of calling a piece of shit but if I did, I’d be a fucking hypocrite. I am a piece of shit as well. (With this I don’t mean to undermine my efforts to be a good person or the person I actually am, which I believe to be a kind, giving and warm human.) But I can be a piece of shit.

The truth is we all are. But hey, we are only trying to get by. Life’s fucked up. And with this, I am not justifying toxic behaviour. I am saying there is a reason. There is always a reason. And we are all trying to get by.

Toxic people around you are not the root of your problems. They can exacerbate them, sure. However, you are also responsible. Your toxic can also poison you and others. And that feeling of destroying life around you, sucking the hell out of something or someone… is heavy.

It’s hard to recognize being toxic. But it is also necessary. Life is not all rainbows and love and sun but if you can contribute to change the darkness around you, then do.

You can feel tempted to blame others, and it’s okay. It may be true but it may not, too.

Take time to analyse your own life, your actions. And then decide who’s to blame. And then leave it.

Learn to leave the toxicity behind you. Don’t give in to the pressures of the outside world. Leave it behind.

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