Yesterday, talking to some people I barely know, I realized a few things. Or rather, I have felt some words materialize into actual moments and feelings that are not easy to shake off.
Loneliness is a swift killer, one that creeps upon you when you least expect it and slashes your head off with no pity.
Loneliness can drive you to the strangest places (either physically or mentally). You start questioning your reasoning as your decisions become deeply impacted by it. But you go and most of the times, only to feel the more alone. (Maybe you feel like you should walk away. But you’re not sure you should because you don’t want to miss out.)
I feel helplessly lonely. And that scares me. Because I know in a way, that I shouldn’t. But I also know I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling alone.
My family and friends know I love them, regardless. And sadly (or not), it’s not even because I miss them that I feel like this. It’s because I keep missing the wrong people. And that’s something I can control.
Yet, I still feel it. Even surrounded by people. I feel trapped in a glass box, I feel like I can’t touch people enough, tell them I love them enough, just be lovely enough. It’s overwhelming.
I also realized that even in the deep, dark moments of your life, you can find human beings who will care for you and not dare to leave you alone. (Maybe it’s time I started respecting the love those people give for free and acknowledge I deserve to receive kindness and warmth.) Maybe that will be the step to take to get me out of this lonely hole I keep finding myself at.
Right now, I am still struggling. I still feel alone. But if I think someone might read this and feel like they understand, then I feel a little bit better. If I can help someone realize that loneliness happens and it is tremendous and even scary and that it is okay, then I feel better, for sure.
I guess if I had any kind of advice for others and myself, to overcome this funk, I would say that taking a step back and analysing who you allow in your life and the situations you keep getting yourself into and then choose to act differently. Go against the natural instinct of shutting out the world. Call your friends. Call your mom. Tell someone you love to have in your life that you need them and that you appreciate them. Put on some music by your favourite rock band. Sleep a while. Read a book. Watch a comedy. Cook your absolute favourite dish. Wash your hair. Do something.
Loneliness is a killer. But you can strike that motherfucker back. You have all the power to do it.
Don’t let that bastard get to you.