After much consideration, I have decided to go ahead and finally write something. It’s been a month or probably more, I’m not quite sure. But I feel depleted.
This feeling of emptiness creeps up on me and always manages to catch me offguard. I feel dissatisfied, I feel moody, but mostly I feel blue. That might be why this is my favourite colour. Blue is the state of mind I always return to, sort of like my default setting.
I had been feeling so high in life. Happy, secure, powerful and lively. And now, I am back to the same piece of shit of a thought process.
I feel like I have lost so much. I feel like I hurt so much. I feel like I am not worth much. On the positive side, I have felt worse. This might just be an hormonal response. This might just be a phase.
Still, I feel like I just need to escape. Another much familiar feeling. I just want to go for the hills and never come back. I just want to get a ticket to anywhere and leave.
And then I think I should put things in perspective, consider all that I have accomplished…
I have escaped a toxic relationship (or rather several toxic relationships), I have overcome my own toxic behaviours (overthinking, drinking rather excessively, denial, recurring to people who fail to fill my soul up…), I have passed a university semester and I’m about to pass a second one (even with some difficulties), I have met amazing human beings, I have kept lovely friendships, I have filled my brain with music, laughter and words that I will never forget.
But all of this, great and awful, is still exhausting. My brain is telling me I wanna see my family, hug my mom and dad, kiss my sister and my brother, watch our pets run around in the yard, or simply just observe a sunset on a balmy evening.
I feel like it’s hard to distinguish between true feelings or traps but especially harder as of late. And I just can’t cope.
I have told myself, time and time again, I could fight and fight I did. But there’s always a point where you need to put down the sword and wash the blood and sweat off of you.
I’m tired of feeling like I need to be this different character, all the time. I’m tired of thinking I need to keep up with everyone’s facade.
I am a broken human being. Much like everyone else. And yet, I feel like I can’t afford to be one. Do people realize how sad and enfuriating that shit is?
I have no idea. I have no ideas, either. My mind is a cluster of fucked-up realities I’m not sure I can sustain. Some are real, some aren’t. Sometimes, they get tangled.
I just want to know what to do. Maybe I just need some time off. Or simply to disconnect. Maybe I need to stop justifying myself to all of the people around me. But I reckon what I need most is distance. Distance from all this bullshit, distance from what causes me sadness and rage, distance from all the shit I don’t believe in anymore.
This is the ugly truth in my life. I try so hard. But to quote a very well known band lyric: “I tried so hard/ And got so far/ But in the end/ It doesn’t even matter…”…
I would usually choose to believe it does matter, but I am blue. And that’s so fucking ugly, but also so fucking true…