Rien de Rien

There we were, talking about some nonsense, and then some things started to obtain significance.

I didn’t understand how one simple thing became so complex and ingrained in my mind and my body.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

It shone a light on many issues I faced or was facing. Issues that I failed to address in the proper manner.

It turned into something I needed, because I craved it so much. But this time, I didn’t crave it for the wrong reasons. I did so because I wanted to take that jump. I wanted to be that courageous being I aimed to be.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

The words resonated like church bells tolling in the morning.

It felt like I had found some kind of match. A match to my fucked-upedness. (Yeah, I have made up a word for it. Deal with it!)

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

Sometimes, it doesn’t happen quite like you had imagined. But it’s okay.

I personally choose to learn from these situations. Try to figure out something I need to know about myself. Everything that happens, is an opportunity to improve.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

I wanted you to stay here. I wanted it badly.

I fought for it in my own way but this time, I tried to refrain from taking up on my usual crutches.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

But the morning came and the bells started tolling again and I realized certain things are going to be how they are.

The truth was never away from my grasp. But I had hope. God knows, I had hope.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

I saw you, I heard your voice, I was hungry for your touch.

I never planned for anything. I only knew I felt the way I felt. And I wasn’t willing to apologize for it.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

But the bells are tolling. And reality is upon me. I must get up.

I will leave your bed for now. Maybe one day, we will lie together again.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

We both need something else. I can’t give you what you need. And it seems I can’t get what I need, either. But it’s more than okay.

Let’s not think about the implications for the present. Let’s be thankful for the past and long for the future. Great things are around the corner.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

And I love who you are. And I respect you. And I understand.

“I am scared, broken, and fucked-up.”

But neither of us is alone.

No one is that scared, broken and fucked-up. Life is just weird.

Non, rien de rien. Je ne regrette rien, chéri.

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